- 13th July
- 29th May
- 3rd April
Sometimes I’ll be out with someone or just be having a conversation through text and that person will be talking about a perceived personality flaw that often ends with a sentiment like, “I don’t know, does that make me weird?”
But here’s the thing they don’t tell you in grade school: most of the things that you think make you weird are what make you an interesting person.
Anyone that you have ever looked up to and admired was weird. Like, Kanye West is the fucking weirdest dude. You think a normal person could put the Yeezus tour together? Of course not. Anyone worth anything in this world is weird. The Wright brothers were weird. Kobe Bryant is weird. Louis CK is weird.
Most of the time, weird is not bad. I say most, because, like, you still can’t jerk off in the middle of an airplane or anything. That’s just bad weird. But that’s not what I’m referring to here.
People will call you weird to dismiss you. “Oh, I don’t understand this person/thing/activity, so it’s weird.” Don’t let that get to you. They’re using the word as an insult, but that doesn’t mean that what they’re talking about is bad.
Do what you like. Be obsessed with hip-hop or juggling or sportswriting or fucking hopscotch or something. Don’t be ashamed of it. Read about something, learn about something, practice something until you’re great at it.
If that makes people call you weird, fuck it.
Feel sorry for normal people. They won’t get to do the things you do.
- 5th December
- 14th November
Sometimes I think I’m a good person because I often remind myself internally to not be an asshole, but usually, I think I’m a terrible person because I often have to remind myself internally to not be an asshole.
I’m not sure if I’m scared of failure because if I fail at something, I’ll be frustrated with myself, or if I’m scared of failure because it might mean someone close to me will be disappointed by it. Like, does getting a mediocre grade on a paper or in a class bother me only because I’m aware that a bad grade would probably make my dad disappointed? I think so, which is awful, because I think I only try doing things well to please other people, and not to particularly to please myself.
I think there’s, for want of a better term, something missing from my life, and I try to fill that void with anything that I can and just kind of distract myself until I find something else to occupy my time with. Listening to music, watching tv, flirting with someone, it doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as I’m distracted from myself because I don’t like being around my own thoughts for too long. Which is weird because I often say I like being alone more than being around other people. One time Earl Sweatshirt referred to himself as a “self-loathing narcissist,” and that term makes sense to me.
This post is swerving away from anything that resembles a common narrative running through it, but another thing that’s freaked me out lately is dating someone. I’ve been seeing this girl recently and we’ve gone on a few dates and she’s very nice and genuine and she seemingly likes me a whole bunch and she texts back right away and she doesn’t blow me off and she doesn’t bail on plans at the last minute.
And it’s all freaking me the hell out. It’s taken a monumental amount of effort to just let someone into my life and to not be jaded or cynical about the whole thing, which I’m aware is insanely unhealthy. I’ve been, since my last relationship fell apart, very cynical and pessimistic about relationships in general, and, I don’t know man, somewhere along the line, I guess I just kind of got used to girls being, for want of a better term once again, dicks.
I got used to there being, like, 10 different types of irony attached to everything and to have something and someone that is so nice and genuine and not the worst is apparently something I’ll need to get used to.
And the thing is, I don’t think I’ve let this girl in all that much. She has constantly called me out on my need to keep things light and not serious. But even the small amount of emotional attachment I’ve developed frightens me. I think I tend to avoid people who call me out on my shit, and it’s hard not to pull away from someone who is doing just that.
Last summer, I was flirting with a girl and we sort of made plans to spend time together, but she was the type of person to pull me aside out of nowhere and reiterate things like, “No, I know what you’re doing. All this joking around and deflecting of questions that would require some actual emotion behind a legitimate answer is just a defense mechanism. Don’t do that. Don’t be like that.” And as much as I’m sure I need to hear things like that often, our loose plans to spend time together fell through and we never dated or anything. I think it’s because I didn’t like that she could so easily read me and see through my bullshit.
Life is weird.
- 14th November
I am the Michael Jordan of attending a party, killing it with a bit in front of a girl I’m interested in and making her laugh, building a rapport with that girl throughout the night, getting the girls number before I leave, and then texting her for a couple days before it leads to nothing.
- 14th November
A girl I used to date used to straight up lick the side of my face cheek-to-eyebrow during intercourse for no discernible reason
- 4th November
loneliness is v underrated in the feelings game
- 4th November
One time this girl I was dating picked a fight with me because I didn’t like her tumblr post
One time this girl I was dating started a fight with me by saying: “How come you never dream about me? I dream about you all the time.”
One time I was making out with a girl and things were getting hot and heavy and she said I love you and almost immediately after that my boner went away and I made up some excuse about needing to be home soon and I left like 5 minutes later
- 4th November
YO, ishyaboy Paul Alexander Castillo, AKA Yung Existential Crisis, AKA Mr. Never-texts-a-girl-back-even-though-he-likes-her-and-she-likes-him-I-mean-what-is-that-kind-of-self-sabotage-is-that-what-is-wrong-with-you
I’m here with my alter ego The H.A.M.burglar AKA Lil’ Walking-around-the-room-straight-hyping-himself-up-for-like-10-minutes-in-preparation-of-asking-a-girl-out-he-met-at-a-party-last-weekend-only-to-be-unnecessarily-dejected-when-she-happens-to-not-pick-up-her-phone-after-he-finally-builds-up-the-nerve-to-call-and-really-if-we’re-being-completely-honest-with-ourselves-he-was-hoping-she-wouldn’t-pick-up-anyway-so-he-could-say-he-tried-but-never-actually-have-to-face-the-possibility-of-hearing-a-rejection
and we are here to tell you that feelings are hard and we deal with them in very weird ways, NAMSAYIN?!
[dj horn noise]